IS EMPATHY ENOUGH?

IS EMPATHY ENOUGH?

How can we best support people who are going through shit?

Most of us want to be able to support and help the people we love - & sometimes we even want to help and offer guidance to people we know less well…

This made me think about how we do can do that well. What is it that makes someone good at offering meaningful assistance in times of crisis. trauma and stress and others not so?

Lived experience – No matter how much empathy you are blessed with and have cultivated, there is nothing like having had a similar experience to enable us to turn towards what might look like useful support. You never really know what grief is like until you have lost someone. You never really know what tired is until you have experienced chronic fatigue. You never really know what it is like to struggle to conceive, until you have endured rounds and rounds of IVF. I could go on but you get my point…

AND also, just because you have had these experiences, doesn’t mean you will understand the specific emotions and reality when someone experiences something similar. Our relationships are different, how we feel, receive and approach things are different. We are all unique and we will come to each set of circumstances in our own individual ways.

So, I guess if we have worked on our empathy and we have had a similar experience, our chances of gaining some insight into how to helpfully show up is, at least, improved.

I have come up with a few useful things to think about. Pointers that might help to shine a tiny light & assist us in our journey through the complexity of the conundrum.

• Being there – if you are not there, if you don’t show up, your help will undoubtedly be substandard. This doesn’t mean being physically there, the benefit of this technological reality we find ourselves in, is that we can pretty much always ‘be there’…
• Listening – Assume nothing and check what you think you have heard. Give people the space to find words, to articulate. Everyone needs to feel heard.
• No judgement – People often are not themselves when the shit hits the fan. Expect the unexpected and don’t be offended by it. Accept it and hold the space.
• Kindness – Pause and meet everything with kindness and honesty.
• Mindful awareness – you could well have no idea what the person is going through.
• Touch – Often touch is what is required. Physical holding can be all that is required in the moment. The nervous system loves a hug (make it a 20 second one)!
• Acceptance – allow the journey. This shit takes a long time to work through. Gently keep the space as the layers get unpeeled.